Adventure Time: Villain AU
by TeamUnitedNerds
Summary: An Adventure Time AU where morality is switched, with the heroes of Ooo becoming villainous, and the villains of Ooo becoming the few remaining heroes in a world filled with tyranny and chaos.


Finn stood poised upon a candy roof, which laid atop a candy house, made of gingerbread and solidified sugar. Architecturally, there was really no reason why it should have been standing, but according to legend, after the Mushroom War, the laws of physics got up and walked away, after proclaiming "Bunk it," so essentially, the world is about as coherent and organized as the fantasy of a bespectacled bearded man.

Finn, of course, wasn't concerned with any of this. His only priority was his goal, which, upon further examination, is an extremely redundant sentence.

And his goal happened to be the purse of a wandering Candy Person, who was also a gumdrop, although her status as a gumdrop is basically irrelevant. One might even say, the fact that I felt a need to specify that she is a gumdrop is an example of candynormativity, but this is not true, because I would have also specified had she been a chocolate bar, or a creampuff. I don't see race. When applied to fictional sentient pieces of candy. I totally see race when it comes to humans. But there is only one human left, and that is Finn, and he is still doing something.

And that something was swiping away the gumdrop lady's purse, which I should probably have described in more detail, instead of talking about how I'm not racist towards candy, but it's too late now, the past is gone, the present is over in an instant, the future is uncertain. Everything is changing and I am afraid.

Actually, you know what, you can have your fucking detailed purse snatching description.

Finn had clad himself in a dark blue shirt, and black pants, idealized for sneaking out at night. However, it was day. He wore a red hat, with a pair of pointy ears, so he looked like a little devil, which was adorable. He wore two things around his neck. One of them was a necklace, with a reflective little bluish jem embedded in it, like a little drop of rain. But good rain. The kind of pretty rain you see on a sunny summer day, not the kind of gross shitty rain you see on the days where everything looks gray and brown. Like Sin City but with brown. The second was a ratty piece of cloth tied behind his neck, which looked like a blanket that was once warm and fluffy and white, but was now crusty and dirty, because that is exactly what it is. He also seemed to have a curious lack of arm on his right arm. However, this was compensated for by a robotic hook-arm he had installed in its place, so I guess you couldn't really say that he was lacking a right arm. To rephrase, he was lacking a right arm made completely out of flesh.

Now, you may be asking yourself "Hey, that's a description of his appearance, not him snatching the purse"

How about you shut up, I'm getting to that.

In a single, deft motion, he lifted the purse from her shoulder with such skill that she barely felt it. Before she could register that her purse had been taken, he had already fired off his robotic arm-hook, which snagged the edge of a nearby building. The claw retracted, and he was hurled at the building. Landing on the roof effortlessly, he was free to flee the city, and that he did.

Finn arrived at his Tree Fort. Perhaps, you would expect it to be a gnarled old tree, or one with jagged branches reaching into the sky, like bolts of lightning going from the ground up, but you would be wrong. It looked like an ordinary Tree Fort.

"Hey, Jake, are you there?" Finn said upon entering.

A dog shambled out from the shadows, with a large scar over one eye. He wore a crown on his head, a symbol of victory, that he had gotten during a particularly dangerous heist. Ironically enough, not the one he lost his eye in. In fact, the scar wasn't actually the result of any real injury, he had just shapeshifted it on himself so he could look cooler. The spade-tipped demonic tail he had in place of a more canine tail was also created for this reason.

"Yeah, Finn" he said in gravelly voice, hobbling his body over to Finn, because he was old, and had suffered serious injuries, not because hobbling is cool. Not that hobbling isn't cool, of course, that just wasn't his primary reason, more of a side benefit of brutal injury.

Jake had been a thief all 135 dog years of his life, which translates to (do the math yourself nerd) in human years, and (fuck numbers) in magical dog years. Jake had adopted Finn after the human child was abandoned as a baby, and then raised him like a son, acting as a father to him, or the weird uncle who believes in demons and gives you knives for Christmas and makes you promise not to tell your parents. I'm sure we've all had that uncle. Right. Right. Right.

Anyways, Jake had taught Finn in the arts of thievery and crime, as Jake became unable to steal due to his age, and having the living shit constantly kicked out of him.

"So, what did you get for us today?" Jake asked

Finn dumped the contents of the purse onto the ground, and a decent enough amounts of chocolate coins plopped onto the floor. Chocolate coins were the default currency of the Candy Kingdom, because the Candy Kingdom is a disgusting and morbid place if you put too much thought into it.

Jake conjured himself a flesh beard, so he could stroke it with intrigue. "Intriguing" he said while stroking his beard with intrigue.

"You know what?" Jake said, banishing his beard back into his body. "I think it's about time we stopped getting by on just scraps and coins. I think we should go for a real big catch this time"

"Like what, Jake?"

"Marceline, The Demon Queen, has a collection of priceless items from dark realms beyond, where chaos is law and blood and brimstone rains from the sky!"

"Sweet" Finn said, nodding.

"If we could take just one thing from her collection, we'd be totally set for life!"

Jake grabbed Finn by the shoulder, pulling him in.

"Think about it, buddy. Anything you've ever wanted"

"Anything? What about a mom?"

"No Finn, you can't buy moms with money"

"Well, whatever, I still want to steal from her, just to prove to the world how much of a peerless rogue I am, or whatevs"

Jake smiled a withered smile, and lead Finn to the Tree Fort basement. Jake performed the incantation, and splashed a carton of bug milk against the wall, opening up a portal to the hellish scape of the Nightosphere.

"Alright, cool" Finn said, stepping through the portal.

Finn was greeted with the sight of chaos and disorder in its purest form, a realm that spit in the face of all rationality or natural law. Horrific creatures, bisected in two, flew across the reddened sky with the power of their own flatulence. Small, imp-like creatures would writhe and twitch, a physical reminder that they spent every second of their existence in eternal agony. Also, a demon puked a pile of bananas onto the ground.

Finn looked around, before approaching a bearded old imp, with four eyes, each withered from seeing too much horror, and a knotted white beard.

"Hello, child" it spoke, in two voices, one calm and measured, and the other a scream of pure terror.

"Oh, hey" Finn said. "Do you know how to get to Marceline's palace or whatever?"

The demonic being closed its eyes, looking deep in thought.

"The Nightosphere is not governed by comprehensible geography. Instead, wherever you desire the most is where you fear to tread"

"So like, if I was afraid of spiders, I'd go to a place where there's lots of spiders?"

The demon shrugged its frail shoulders. "I don't know, something like that"

"Well I'm not afraid of anything, so that might be an issue"

The demon's first voice chucked, and the other howled in pain. "Oh please, child. I can smell the fear wafting off of you, but it's directionless, and I'm not able to pin it down. What makes you afraid, child?"

"Well, I know what you should be afraid of, getting punched!"

Finn grunted, shutting his eyes in frustration, before socking the demon hard in the face with his metal hand.

"Yeah, whatever" he grumbled. "I'll just pick a direction and keep walking"

And do that he did, bumping into more creatures whose appearance were so vile that they were essentially the visual equivalent of swear words. On his way to Marceline, he passed a Fuck, two Shits and a Cunt, but no palace in sight.

"Alright, what am I afraid of" he said, sighing. "Well, I guess I'm afraid of not finding Marceline...so I should go where I'd never find Marceline! I'm sure that makes sense"

And where would he be least likely to find Marceline? The path he started on, the place that he already knew Marceline wasn't. Finn turned around, retracing his steps, and before long, he saw a palace in the distance, composed of red spires upon red spires upon red shapeless nonsense, the architecture so ugly that it hurt to look at.

"Alright, now how to sneak in…"

"What's that about sneaking in?" he heard a nearby voice say, belonging to a blue-skinned demon, covered from head to toe in misshapen bones, forming a kind of demon. "Don't you know that your kind isn't allowed here? Skull Demons, of course, are on the Queen's automatic acceptance list. Of course, I assume a human isn't familiar with the demonic caste system, so I'd like to take some time to enlighten you as to how it works…"

Finn gave the demon a solid whacking, with his flesh-and-blood arm this time, knocking him out, and stripping him of his armor. Finn slipped into the armor, finding that it was just about his size, and that it did a decent job of concealing his fleshy, pale, human bits.

There was a line to Marceline's palace, filled with the lowly imps, and a large, purple demon at the front. Finn shoved his way through the imps, proclaiming "Watch out, Skull Demon coming through" he reached the end of the line, slipping between the legs of the purple behemoth, placing himself at the gates. "That's odd" the guard demon said. "I thought Skull Demons were beneath Giant Demons on the caste system"

"Seriously?" Finn said. "Well, uh, clearly you must be seeing things, because I'm not a Skull Demon, I'm a Super Skull Demon"

"Ah, my mistake, sir" the guard said. "I should have seen that peach-colored skin underneath your armor, clearly, you outrank the Giant. I assume you're here to see the Queen?"

Finn nodded. The gate was opened, and Finn stepped into the interior of the palace. Everything within was the same blinding, monotone, obnoxious shade of red, making navigating incredibly difficult. He was almost unsure whether or not he was near a wall or in the middle of the room. After bumping around, he got to the end of the hellish hall, gated off by one last door. Finn pushed the door open, finding the Demon Queen herself atop her throne.

The Demon Queen was more ordinarily dressed than one would have expected, considering the utter fucking weirdness of everything else in her realm. But no, the Demoness chose to wear an ordinary, but well-tailored black business suit, with an amulet draped around her neck.

"Oh, I was wondering when you'd be here" she said with a laugh.

"Wait, how'd you know I was here?"

Her black eyes glowed with the passion of a murderer describing their work.

"I am not confined by this body. I rule the Nightosphere, in the same way that you rule your own being. The Nightosphere is my flesh, the blood that flows through its rivers is my blood, every eye of every demon is another eye that I see through. Did you honestly think that you'd get so lucky as to slip your way into my palace? That was a deliberate manipulation by me"

"Why?" Finn asked.

"Because, I want to prove to you that you're afraid"

"Didn't I already do that? Isn't that how I got to this palace?"

She shook her head. "Of course not, that was just another trick of mine. What you felt there wasn't true fear, it was mild aversion at best. I'm going to prove to you that there's something you're really afraid of"

"Sure, good luck with that" he said, crossing his arms.

"Please, follow me" she said, standing up, off of a cushion beneath her seat, made of a leathery grey, almost skin-like material, and covered in a border of white hair. "Uh, was that made from a person or…"

"A wizard, yes. An ex-boyfriend. He had been treating me like garbage for the longest time, so I took action"

"Oh...wow" Finn said, actually a little stunned.

"Oh, don't feel too bad, he always loved it when I sat on him in life. Anyways, I should really get back to showing you the fear within"

She showed Finn into a room to the right of her throne room. Thankfully, this room had the decency to have some diversity in color, so Finn could actually determine where he was in space. The room was wall-to-wall valuables, with paintings hanging from every corner, and enormous, fist-sized gems on pedestals, in addition to ancient weapons, and some barely-identifiable miscellany.

"This is what you wanted, right? My collection of priceless items?"

"Yeah, nice try, I'm not that easy to fool. I touch one of these and I die or whatever, right?"

She shook her head. "Of course not, I know you're a smart kid" she lifted up a gem, and placed it in his hands. "See? No harm done to you"

"So where does the whole fear part come in?"

"Maybe I was lying" she said, playfully sticking out her forked tongue.

"Yeah, sure" he said. "So I can just take whatever I want?"

"Please, only one item, that's enough to last you a lifetime, and to get anything your little heart desires"

Finn reached for a ruby, almost as big as his own head. But, he hesitated, his hands shaking.

"Ah, I told you, fear"

"What, do you think I'm afraid of rubies or something?"

"First of all, that's an emerald, and second, we both know that's not what you're afraid of. You have something that could let you live easy for the rest of your life right at your fingertips. But, you don't want to take it, do you? You know why? Fear. You're afraid that your life won't be interesting anymore without having to steal from people. You're afraid that your life will be meaningless without struggle, and that one day, you'll have everything you've ever wanted, and yet, you'll never feel more dead. Am I right?"

Finn sighed, taking his hands away from the gem. "Yeah, sure" he placed his hands in his pockets. "I get it, I'll tell Jake that I failed, and I'll go back to doing the usual, you made your point"

She grinned from ear to pointy ear. "Well, there we go. It's a good thing you chose not to steal it, that gem would have killed you on contact"

"What?" Finn said, shocked. "I thought you showed me that the items weren't cursed!"

"Well, that one gem, yes. It's fake, and I use it as a paperweight. Everything else in here is cursed to the max. Do you really think I'd let you take anything from me?"

"Yeah, whatever, I'm leaving"

As Finn left Marceline's palace, the Demon Queen gave him a friendly wave, shouting "Remember Finn, fear is not only the most powerful human emotion but also the source from which all other emotions flow! All mortals must experience fear because everyone dies someday! Byyyyyyyyye!"

Just to save him from further trouble, Marceline opened a portal underneath Finn's feet, sending him back to Ooo.

He ventured up the stairs to the Tree Fort basement. "Jake? Hey Jake?" he called out, to no reply. "That's weird, I guess he must be sleeping"

Finn kicked open the door to the basement, because that's what badass rogues who just don't care do. He found himself greeted by the stern stare of a Banana Guard, policemen of the Candy Kingdom. "Finn the Human" he said robotically. "You are under arrest for thievery, and will serve an eternity in the Candy Kingdom Dungeon, alongside Jake The Dog"

Before he could react, the Banana Guards tackled him to the ground, chaining him up, and dragging him to imprisonment.


End file.
